Icarus' Fall
by sarabethloves
Summary: What would've happened if there was another war and Ed was forced to fulfill his duties as a state alchemist? This is my take. Angst.


**This AU was circulating tumblr and I just couldn't resist. Prepare for angsty feels!**

A State Alchemist's duty is to the people. They are given their title so that they can use their abilities and knowledge of the science of alchemy to _protect_ the citizens of Amestris. It is a difficult and honorable task and one that Edward Elric took on willingly.

He never imagined that it would become this twisted.

He became a State Alchemist for his brother. He knew that by becoming a member of the military, he would have the credentials and access necessary to acquire the information he so long sought after. He had planned on searching on his own, only using his title as a formality when he needed to throw around some weight. He was a part of the military, yes, but he neither looked nor acted like it.

But then the country went to war and the young teenage boy was faced with a decision. He had to either fulfill his duties to the state based on the vow he took at the tender age of twelve, or revoke his title and lose whatever ground he had gained on his grand search.

He chose war.

Now, as he sat on a stump in the middle of the southern desert, tired, thirsty, and emotionally drained, he wondered why he thought it'd be worth it. Alphonse had immediately opposed the idea, saying that he could live in his current state. He didn't need a real body if it meant his brother had to go through that kind of hell. Edward assured him he could handle it. He would be under the direct protection and command of Colonel Mustang and his team. They would take care of him.

Ed glanced at said colonel out of the corner of his eyes. He couldn't hear the raven-haired officer, but he knew exactly what was being said. Mustang was defending him to a higher-ranking officer. Again. When Edward had hesitated in killing someone yet again, his superior officer was left making up excuses. Ed knew he was trying his best to protect his innocence, though at this point it was a lost cause.

He had already taken someone's life.

Bits and pieces of the colonel's conversation reached Ed's ears. When Mustang started shouting, he knew exactly what was being said.

"He's still a child! You can't actually expect him to go off killing hoards of people."

"He became an adult the moment he agreed to become a State Alchemist and join the war. He should be expected to fulfill his duties just like everyone else, Mustang. If he messes up one more time, I'll try him as a dissident!" the Brigadier-General said before he walked away in disgust.

Ed put his head in his hands at the general's words. He couldn't do this much longer. He couldn't be the one responsible for the loss of hundreds of people's lives any more.

A hand on his soldier caused him to raise his head and stare with dead eyes at the person in next to him. He was at least slightly comforted to find Lieutenant Hawkeye looking down at him with a ghost of a smile on her lips. He was grateful to her. She was one of the very few people that still bothered to treat him like the boy he really was.

"How are you holding up, Ed?" she asked him as she came around to sit opposite of him.

"Mustang had to plead my case again, so not very well."

The lieutenant sighed. "He's trying his best, Ed."

"He's been trying since before we were deployed. Look how well that turned out."

"Edward, you know none of us want this for you."

"Then why I am here? Why are any of us here? _Nobody _wants this."

Hawkeye sighed again and looked down. She knew he was right. This was hell for all of them. They could try and protect them all they wanted but they had their own demons to face.

Footsteps approached the pair. Ed didn't have to look up to know who it was or what he was going to say.

"I tried my best. The higher ups are hard to break through during wars. They'll come around eventually. They have to," Colonel Mustang spoke, his own voice filled with the emotion, or lack thereof, that only war could bring.

Ed stood up and wiped the dust off of his military uniform. He raised the hood of his beige coat over his eyes and turned away from the colonel and his lieutenant. "Thanks for trying, at least," he said before he walked away without another word.

That night was one of the harder ones. He was thankful he was placed in a tent with the rest of Mustang and his team. It was easier for him when one of them was right there when he woke up screaming from a nightmare.

On this particular night, Hawkeye was the one to comfort him. She ran to his cot and shook him awake with the comfort of a mother. Neither of them said a word as she wrapped her arms around him and he sobbed into her shoulder. Colonel Mustang lay awake watching them with guilt-ridden eyes.

Ed reached his breaking point a few weeks later on the battlefield. He and Lieutenant Hawkeye sat crouched in an abandoned building, waiting to fulfill their orders. Ed had already crumbled two other buildings that day with his alchemy. He tried not to think about how many enemy soldiers or civilians died in the collapses.

He was genuinely surprised at how quick the emotion and the panic overcame him. It wasn't even as if anything triggered him. It was as if all of the heartache and guilt and suffering of the past few months hit him all at once. He stepped back from the window the two were guarding and put his hands on his head. His breathing began to quicken and his pulse raced.

"Ed? What's wrong?" Hawkeye asked him with concern as she too abandoned her spot and rushed to the young state alchemist.

Ed shook his head, too overcome with panic and fear to speak. Hawkeye grabbed both of his arms and attempted to look him in the eye. "Edward, you need to calm down," she told him.

"No!" he shouted as he struggled out of her grip and backed up against the wall. "I can't calm down! I can't do this anymore. I just…_can't,_" he practically squeaked out the last statement as he slid down the wall into a slump.

Riza's heart broke in two as she watched the innocence practically drain from this young boy. She marveled at how cruel the world had been to him.

She had been pondering an idea for weeks ever since Ed committed his first kill. She knew now was the best time to try it.

As the tears threatened to spill from her eyes she said, "Edward, stand up."

"No, I won't!"

"Edward, _stand up_," she commanded with so much authority that Ed looked up in surprise, the tears freely falling down his cheeks.

He slowly did as he was told, wondering just what the lieutenant was doing. She walked towards him, never breaking eye contact as she reached behind her and pulled out one of the pistols she kept on her person at all times.

She then pointed it directly at him.

"Wh-what are you doing, Lieutenant?" Ed asked her with genuine fear.

"This won't kill you," she told him simply, her hand shaking. "But it will hurt you enough so that they would have to take you back to Central."

Finally, it clicked in Ed's head what she was doing. She continued to speak, her voice filled with emotion. "Sometimes, you have to hurt the ones you love in order to protect them." Ed would never know that at that moment the only thing in her mind was the memory of the excruciating pain she felt as her superior officer scorched her back.

Ed looked at the gun and then back at Riza. He knew she wouldn't kill him. She was so well-trained that she would hit him without damaging any internal organs or arteries, but would still greatly injure him. He had made his decision. "Do it, Lieutenant. Please."

She didn't waste any time as she took a breath and squeezed the trigger. The bullet passed through Ed's midsection and he collapsed on the ground.

Her response was immediate. "Colonel!" she screamed, knowing her commanding officer wasn't far off. "Colonel!"

Sure enough, within minutes she heard desperate footsteps climb the old stairs of the building until they found the room Riza and Ed were in.

Colonel Mustang rounded the corner and entered the room. He found Ed in a bloody heap next to a gun on the ground. His heart plummeted.

"He's been shot!" Riza cried, the fear obvious in her voice.

Roy rushed to where Ed lay and scooped the boy up in his arms. "Help me take him to the infirmary. Quickly!"

The both rushed through the warzone to where the main camp was. Sad eyes followed them as they watched the young boy being carried off to be treated.

When they reached the infirmary and the military doctors had done what they could, they got the verdict. The bullet had seemingly done no damage to any internal organs. It just passed right through him. They had managed to stop the bleeding but they would need to do a proper surgery in Central. He would be officially discharged from the war. It was miraculous and just as the lieutenant planned.

As the Colonel and the Lieutenant watched the military jeep housing the young and broken state alchemist drive away, Mustang turned to his subordinate.

"Thank you, Hawkeye, for doing that for him. I only wish you could've shot me."


End file.
